Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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