Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
