Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
