I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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