Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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