i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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