i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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