I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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