Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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