my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
