Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
