There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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