Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
