im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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