i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
