The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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