hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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