Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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