he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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