I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
