gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
