I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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