last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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