Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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