Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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