Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
