I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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