Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
