I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
