what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
