You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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