Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
