Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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