So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
please come you make the beer taste better
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
