my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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