Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
