We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
