How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can't turn off my feet"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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