Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
