It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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