Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
