I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
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