Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
