How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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