She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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