Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
