Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
