My room smells like vodka and shame
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
