I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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