the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
