I can feel you judging me through the phone.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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