I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
