the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
